Should I Insider Trade?

Probably not, but if you're gonna do it anyway, be sure to check out The Laws.¹

The rules are:

Don't do it.
Don’t do it by buying short-dated out-of-the-money call options on merger targets.
Don’t text or email about it.
Don’t do it in your mother’s account.
Don’t do it by planting bombs at a company and shorting its stock.
Don’t do it while employed at the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Don’t Google “how to insider trade without getting caught” before doing it.
If you didn’t insider trade, don’t forget and accidentally confess to insider trading.
If you are going to insider trade, do it in a company that is far away from a Securities and Exchange Commission office. Like, physically.
If you are already under a federal ethics investigation about your ownership or promotion of a stock, don’t insider trade that stock.
If you are making plans to share your life, and finances, with a certain special someone, and you overhear her working on a nonpublic merger deal, before you go out and buy short-dated out-of-the-money call options on the merger target, maybe tell her first?²
If you insider trade by buying short-dated out-of-the-money call options on a merger target, and the Securities and Exchange Commission freezes your profits, don't show up in a U.S. court to ask for them back.³

Inspired by Matt Levine's Money Stuff.

Thanks to @mcdickenson for their contributions

glyph / lawsofinsidertrading.com