A command line program that helps you make the ultimate decision ... cleanly
BEFORE YOU CONTINUE, PLEASE READ THE WIKI.
Disclaimer: The creator of this intellectual property does not condone suicide or any form of self harm.
Read more about it here: LINK.
There comes a moment, if not multiple moments, in our lives where we question every aspect of our existence. Sometimes, we get to a point where we ask ourselves if continuing to live is even worth it at all.
Most of us have all dealt, and continue to deal with:
- Loss, or death
- Heartbreak
- Immense dissapointment
- Growing self-hate
- Feeling like an impostor, or a fraud
- Being an immense disappointment
- Crippling stress
- Crippling loneliness
- Social exclusion
- Illness (be it a loved one or yourself)
- ...and many other situations
And sometimes, we don't have the tools, resources or people to help us work through these difficult times.
And due to that, sometimes, we don't get through it at all and let everything build up inside us. Our reason begins to fade, and along with it, our will to continue seeing life through.
Suicide becomes the attractive option. The only option.
kms allows one to set a list of commands to be executed at a set point in time (PIT),
A PIT can be entered as a concatenation of date and time (in 24 hour format), as such: YYYY:mm:dd:hh:mm
- To represent March 14, 2019 on time 21:30, the PIT would be: 2019:03:14:21:30
A PIT can also be entered as just the time during the current day, as such: hh:mm
- To represent 19:30 (or 7:30 pm) , the PIT would be: 19:30
Once a PIT has been determined, kms can be used as such:kms PIT {command1},{command2}, ...
Usage of kms commands is as follows: COMMAND_NAME <ARG1> <ARG2> ...
Currently, kms supports 5 standard commands:
- delete - deletes a list of folders and/or files
- Accepts one or more argument(s): all of which are expected to be valid file or directory paths.
- Example:
delete <story.txt> <stories/> <music.mp3>- This deletes the file story.txt, the files inside stories/ and its sub-directories, and music.mp3
- make - creates a new file with a given path and allows the user to write a message to the file.
- Accepts two arguments: The first being the path of the file to write to/or create (if yet to exist). The second being the message to write.
- Example:
make <farewell.txt> <I'm sorry>- First checks whether farewell.txt exists, if not, it creates the file. Then, it writes
I'm sorryto the file
- First checks whether farewell.txt exists, if not, it creates the file. Then, it writes
- display - displays an image in full screen view for a set amount of seconds, or indefinitely. (JPEG, PNG and GIF images are supported)
- Accepts two arguments: The first being the path of the image. The second being the amount of seconds to display the image for.
- Example:
display <farewell.jpg> <10>- Displays the JPG farewell.jpg for 10 seconds
- play - plays an audio file (MP3, AAC, PCM) to completion, or for a set amount of seconds
- Accepts two arguments: The first being the path to the audio file. The second being the duration, in seconds, to play the audio file for - or a negative value to play the file to completion.
- Example:
play <"no fun.mp3"> <10>- Plays the MP3 file
"no fun.mp3"for 10 seconds
- Plays the MP3 file
- exec - executes shell commands
- Accepts one argument: The whole shell command to execute
- Example:
exec <rm -rf .git>- Executes the shell command, and it's options and arguments
rm -rf .git
- Executes the shell command, and it's options and arguments
Scenario: It's 11 p.m and you're typing rapidly into Vim. You think to yourself: "If I just switch these two variables around, my program should work." . You enter :w in hopes of finally fixing that damned segfault error that has been haunting you for the past four hours. The compiler is silent, but finishes nonetheless. This time, the program runs for a little longer. No errors are being printed out, no weird characters - everything is quiet on the digital front.
Segmentation fault (core dumped)
Defeated, the clock stares you down, mocking you as it ticks your time away. You take another look at your screen, trying to sort through the spaghetti code your hands typed out. The black void that surrounds each character seemingly grows with each stare. Staring starts to hurt, so you look around the room to ease your eyes.
It's barren. No one else is here. Your classmates have finished. The tutors have gone home. The TA's are probably drinking themselves to amnesia. There is no help. There is no hope.
So, you start to calculate your chances of passing this class. Your past assignment scores aren't stellar. You just bombed your midterm despite taking time out of your other classes for this course. The weekly quizzes are the only thing keeping you afloat. But the ice beneath you is shrinking. And you know you'll fail if you don't finish this assignment.
Your other classes aren't looking so good either. You had to half-ass your art history essay just so you can go to office hours for this class. And doing that only gave you non-answers from the person you would think would have solutions.
And just before you started, you just received your math midterm scores. The median score looks good, and you started to feel hopeful. The class minimum is depressing, but at least it's not you right? Oh ... it is.
ding . You just got an email. It's from your college counselor reminding you to stay above a 2.0 for the quarter or be put in jeopardy of being kicked out of the university. Fuck, you can't have that that. What would your parents think? They put all their hope, support and resources to get you through. But you realize that maybe, you can't get through. Your mind was never fit for this school. Just look at this room: you're the only one left. Everybody's done. You can't even fix a single bug. And if you can't do that, then what can you do? Build software for a Fortune 500 company? Hell no. You're not John, who was able to score his first internship at Facebook as a freshman. A freshman! John was able to finish in time also. He's always with his study group, cracking shitty programming jokes. You wish you had that: a group to belong to. Looking at it now, you really don't have anyone on campus to call as a friend. Perhaps the school psychologist? But you only see him every few weeks right? Kinda shitty for the school to not fund that kind of service more. That's life though....
Shame, guilt, blame, humiliation, embarrassment, desperation, anxiety, loneliness, depression ... Your mind is now on fire as you run through solutions. None of them work.
Except one. you think to yourself.
You start looking up ways to do it. The goal is for a painless and quick method. You don't want anyone to interrupt you - which is unlikely looking at it now. Your card does allow for roof access so that's an option. There's also a pharmacy nearby if medication is needed.
Ah, good choice. Very creative.
But you should leave a note. Things like this always have a note. Didn't you have you make that Java program that can submit posts to your Facebook account? Maybe you can finally put it to good use.
kms 12:00 {exec javac -jar fbposter.java last_message.txt} , you enter into the terminal.
You drive out to the nearby pharmacy and purchase the tools, along with a bottle of vodka. It's a bit pricey, but you have to live life to the fullest right?
The lab is still empty. You begin chugging down the vodka, hoping to feel that buzz and warmth. Instead you puke. Questions of doubt begin to race through your mind, but it's too late, the alcohol has reached your mind and washed it of uncertainty.
The numbing cream was a good choice. It makes the cutting less painful. You rub it on your wrists and can immediately feel the effects. The razors are a bit old fashioned, but it's not like the pharmacy was selling knives. Remember: across the line for punishment, along it for release.
For a moment, your senses return. For a moment, your doubts are casted aside by an array of hope. For a moment, you reason with yourself of other options other than this. For a moment, you consider just going home and planning for a new future.
Then you realize: it's all going to be the same. The truth is, you've always been at the bottom of the abyss. For every small achievement you feel, a greater failure awaits you. No achievement can climb you out of the hole you dug yourself in. You've been clawing your way out for way too long. You're tired. You've given up. There's nothing else you can do. Other than ... leave.
The cream made the cutting quick and relatively painless. But it's not like you were aware of it, or did a good job of it, with much of your mind buzzed out.
Damn, that's a lot of blood. Jesus, the keyboard is drenched with it. You decide to just let your arms hang by your sides. It makes the draining easier.
A feeling of physical weakness takes over your body. Your face starts to feel cold and it becomes harder to move your arms. Your thoughts lose cohesion as you start to black out. It's getting difficult to keep your eyes open. Is this how it feels to finally sleep?
It's 12:00 a.m. Your screen shows:
12:00 trigger activated. Commands executed.
But you wouldn't know that.
That was me two quarters earlier. I felt so hopeless of my situation that I just didn't want to live anymore. I was tired of sleeping only to wake-up to the same, dissapointing routine over and over again.
If you're in that same state of mind, I ask you to breathe. Just breathe right now.
In our darkest moments and our most desperate of times, we loose all sense of reason as our mind frantically searches for a way to escape it's current predicament.
Due to this, sometimes, suicide becomes an attractive option.
But in reality, it's not. Suicide doesn't solve anything. Instead, it causes more pain to the people around us.
Right now, it may seem as if you have no one, but in reality, you have so many people that care about you. Despite our ability to reach others oceans away in an instance, we still have responsibilities to fulfill - responsibilities that often take away time from the most important people in our lives.
I had the same, crippling sense of loneliness too. I'm all too familiar with being in that place and I urge you to continue reading.
I was admitted to UCSD back in 2016 as a Math major. Getting the acceptance letter was one of the happiest moments of my life (and also, Berkeley just declined a few days prior so it kinda evens out) .
My first year was alright . It was hard adjusting to the quarter system and commuting ~25 miles each day to and from campus made adapting to the quick pace difficult. In the end, I managed to float on and survive the year. But I began to see holes in my progress academically. I failed a starter CS course - which I still have to take at some point - and struggled immensely with my undergrad calculus classes.
For my second year, I started to take my upper-division, theory based classes. As the year progressed, I began to feel unmotivated. My continued struggle to understand and keep up with course content, along with my living situation as a commuter, left me empty of motivation for my studies.
I started to feel alone in a university I worked so hard to get in to. I started questioning my place at UCSD as I felt outclassed and out of league.
I didn't really have anyone to talk to about what was going on in my life. The only emotional outlets I had were various Facebook confession pages. Even then, it felt like I was endlessly yelling into a void.
My daily routine of waking up, driving to school, going to class and driving back made me numb. I felt like a walking corpse, wandering around campus, doing what I'm doing because I don't know what else to do.
I'd go for weeks without a single ounce of social interaction. Because of this, I lost the ability to socialize and struggled to make lasting friends. Then one day, I just decided that I'm too tired to even meet people and isolated myself to a corner in Price Center, where I'd do my best to eat my lunch unnoticed ... unbothered.
Unmotivated, tired and numb, my courses started to get affected and for the last quarter of that year, I was placed in Subject to Disqualification.
Being a UCSD student still meant alot to me at that point. I was proud to be a Triton. Transferring our is one thing. But being kicked out? I just wouldn't know what to do with myself. The loss of financial aid was a major concern, along with my debt. But most importantly, I just wouldn't how I'd feel about myself if did come to that.
Me? A college ... dropout? The image of seeing my parents pride fade away as I tell them "I got kicked out" was one I just couldn't handle. And all the work I did just to be admitted turning into a complete waste was just too much.
For most of that quarter, I lived in constant anxiety. Whenever I'd get an email or an alert my school's academic office, my heart would immediately sink and I'd freeze up with that image in my head. My sleep further declined and whenever my parents - or anyone really - would inquire about school, I'd tense up.
Everyday, I'd ask myself: What do I do?!
It came to a point where I just didn't want to live anymore. I just wanted to be gone . I had no friends, no prospects, no future , no one - there was nothing else out there for me. Why keep living?
Soon, What do I do?! changed to How do I do it? . Razors along the veins? Overdose? Hanging? Jumping? Shooting? (even though I had no access to guns). I started to plan my exit: the method I'd kill myself, the room I'd do it, the time, the letters to write, etc. I was so ready to die.
Then when the day came, I decided against it. For some reason, I just wanted to see things through. I wanted to wait just a few more days. Perhaps I was afraid - I knew there was no coming back, no way to see what happens after.
I spent the concluding days of the quarter just observing and breathing deeply - really making the feeling of fresh oxygen in my lungs last. I spent my time studying just for the sake of studying. I didn't care about the final anymore, but I figured that if these are my last days, I'd want to do something.
I ended up doing well that quarter, even boosted my GPA.
I realized that all I needed to do was breathe deeply once in a while. I let too many things stick to my mind and cause me unneeded stress. This clouded my judgement and made me assume that I had no one to turn to. When in truth, life was catching my friends too. I was too blinded by self doubt and hate to understand that they too had busy, demanding lives. They didn't leave. They were just occupied, like I was. They were always there. I just needed to ask.
I don't know if any of this helped, but the biggest take-away I want you to have is that stress is a tricky beast. When stress floods your thoughts, your perception of reality is bent around your frustrations. The world you perceive seems as if it fights against you. You begin to label the people you love and care about as either a traitor, enemy or deciever. When in reality, they just want to help.
The pain may be unbearable right now. And I know you want to stop it, but if you leave, that pain won't. It won't be with you, but you'll pass it on to those that love you and coninue to love you. No amount of letters, memoirs, novels, or therapy can resolve and heal the mystery and pain your exit caused. Your mind is clouded right now, tricking you into thinking that you are excluded. But, in truth, you're loved and will always be loved.
Here are resources available for you to help you get through these thoughts:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255 (Availble 24/7)
But most importantly: you're loved, and will always be loved.