20230530

[github-actions]

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My friend caught me sniffing his sister's panties
He was so mad, maybe because she was still wearing them. It made the rest of the funeral pretty uncomfortable.

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A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and does a sommersault, a cartwheel and finally backflips onto a barstool. The bartender asks him: Wow! How did you do that? The horse answers: Well, I've worked in the circus for all my life, so that's how. The barman nods approvingly and gives the horse a free drink. A couple minutes later another horse walk in and he does a frontflip, a pirouette and finally sideflips onto the barstool. The barman asks him: Well have I ever! Did you also work in the circus? The horse answers: No, I just tripped over the doornat.

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One Ukrainian Jew to another: 'Would you share this imported bottle of Scotch with me?'
The other: Of course I would. But we barely have money for food. Where did you get Scotch? First: I traded some Russian caviar for it. Second: But how did you get Russian caviar? First: I traded some calamari to them for it. Second: But we're hundreds of kilometers from the nearest ocean, and it doesn't have squid. First: No, but it was a good month for circumcisions and Russian soldiers don't know the difference.

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A frog goes into a bank (long)
A frog walks into a bank and walks up to the teller. He says, my name is Kermit Jagger and Id like to take out a loan. The teller says, nice to meet you, Im Patti, but I have to tell you, we dont loan money to frogs. Kermit says, no its ok. I have collateral. Here is this priceless heirloom. Oh! And I hate to throw this around but my dad is Mick Jagger. Patti takes the small ceramic elephant and says, Ill need to get my manger. Manager comes over and says, whats the problem Miss Whack? To which Patti replies, well you see this frog here wants to take out a loan, he says hes Mick Jaggers son and he produced this tiny elephant for collateral. This is highly unusual and Im not sure what to do. The exacerbated manger rolls his eyes, sighs, and says: Oh for God Sake! Its a knick knack Patti Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone!

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A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What's the problem, doc? The doctor thoroughly examined the drunk and remarked, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drinking. Fair enough, replied the drunk, I'll come back when you sober up.

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Got a new camera and wanted to test it out
I was looking for a good subject and saw a salon where a guy was cutting a womans hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to capture some pics of him coloring it. Thats when I shot a man, just to watch him dye.

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If you ever meet someone that you just don't like, try walking a mile in their shoes.
At least that way, you'll be a mile away from them - and they'll have no shoes to run catch you with.

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Freebie
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, What'll you have? The guy answers, A scotch, please. The bartender hands him the drink, and says That'll be five dollars, to which the guy replies, What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this. A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration. The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again. The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back! The guy says, What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life! The bartender replies, I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double. To which the guy replies, Thank you. Make it a scotch.